Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

good work, detective

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”