Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

Opening emails from the school.

“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.