Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

Story time

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

lol

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.