*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
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I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
they see me scrollin
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.