*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
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When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.