*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
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Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Have a lovely day 😊
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.