*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
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I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”