Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

📽️movie date🎞️

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.