*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Safety first
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
WHO DID THIS?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.