[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
yall want some gasoline milk
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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