Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

stand with me against insufficient seating

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

Stop it! 😂

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

? 💀

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.