Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy