Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen