Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

don’t we all

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?