[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
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I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
happy halloween
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Carpe DM
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early