[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
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I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
You deplete me
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Aw man, but that’s the best part
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Who called it baking and not making love
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine