Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

I beg you to euthanise me