[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
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I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes