going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
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*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
when nothing goes right… go left