going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
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Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”