Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄