going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
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Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I put the mess in domestic.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”