Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
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Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Huge if true.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
he’ll never suspect a thing
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”