Going back in time, y’all need anything?
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Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.