Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

I can’t be the only one 😂

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

This is the one

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland