Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
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About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Good morning, Twitter x
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.