Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.