going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
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Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Bro what is this
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?