going ballistic. anyone need anything?
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Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Who knew!
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Hell yeah 👍
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.