Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.