Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
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I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets