Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
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[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
This could be us… but you playing
