[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.