Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up against my better judgment again

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.