[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
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My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink