Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

LOOOOOOL

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”

“No.”

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?