Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq