Going feral. Y’all need anything?
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Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.