Going feral. Y’all need anything?
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three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Still my favourite meme.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.