Going feral. Y’all need anything?
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pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.