Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
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My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife