Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
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I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
But is it really??
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa