Going forward the 10 minutes before taking a nap should be referred to as prelax
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My love language is hissing.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.