Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

ㅤ

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

How tf did it end up there?

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”