Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

I see everyone is telling everyone else they look so much younger than they are again.

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.