Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.