Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

😎

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

No one :

Me when I swimming :

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”