Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
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My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Lmao
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
✌️
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
when dads have a rap battle
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Why I divorced her.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me