Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
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Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
It’s the weekend y’all
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot