Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

u guys got any snacks onboard here

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

Received some very disappointing news today

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?