Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
the Monday after daylight savings
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house