Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.