Going into Monday like
You Might Also Like
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.