Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

My typo game is string.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

#titanic

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.