Going into Monday like
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[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I need better friends
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.