Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

weird email i got today

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up