Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*