Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.