Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
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It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now