Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”