Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Alexa; make it look like an accident

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”