going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
You Might Also Like
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I triple waxed for this?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.