going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
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[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Lmfao
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Florida be like…