Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
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Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Printer ink is expensive
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”