Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

The dark side of Canada

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

The sacred texts.

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.