[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
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I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.