[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.