@FredTaming

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

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@TheCatWhisprer

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

@ScottLinnen

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

@thedad

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

@Swishergirl24

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

@CulturedRuffian

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

@Shot_Of_Cabo

The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.

@stockejock

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…