[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

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It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.


That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.


Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on


I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.


Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside


Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem


The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.


I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…