@FredTaming

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

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@TheKegKiller

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

@jazz_inmypants

GENIE: i want infinity more bananas

BANANA SALESMAN:

GENIE: do u see how annoying that is

@Laser_Cat

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

@IndecisiveJones

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

@copymama

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

@TheAlexNevil

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

@casualafro

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

@Genos_Steaks

I was wondering why some couples don’t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don’t work out…

@mdob11

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

@SeanSchofer

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.