Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
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GENIE: i want infinity more bananas
GENIE: do u see how annoying that is
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I was wondering why some couples don’t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don’t work out…
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.