Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.