Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
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Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
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Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed