Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

Tuesday

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”