Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
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The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*